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I have been a seeker my entire life. For 43 years, I have been searching for the answer. The answer to what you might ask? The answer to everything.
I have been searching for knowledge, awareness, expression, higher states of consciousness, happiness, health, wellbeing, fitness, community, connection, authenticity, joy, memorable experiences, leadership opportunities, recognition, admiration, beauty, love, expansion, peace… and the list goes on. This search has motivated my actions, creations, and pursuits. It has informed how I show up in the world and how I like to be seen and perceived.
I want to matter. I want to make a positive difference in the world and despite my mom always telling me that “showing up is enough,” it never felt like it was. So, I’ve been searching outside of myself for the answers and fulfillment. This search has also left me with an unquenchable thirst for more on the path towards human potential, both mine and others. More knowledge, more wisdom, more experiences etc., but its accumulation has left me exhausted, depleted, and stressed.
On the human journey, it is easy to fall into the mistaken belief that what we seek is outside of ourselves. We are programmed to want more, have more and become more. Advertisements, television shows, and the news are riddled with messages that we need to be fixed, healed, and helped. Corporations model certain styles of leadership and management that we are taught to imitate.
However, we often forget that from the moment we were born, we were perfect. Think about it – when you see a newborn baby do you think to yourself, “Wow, that being needs some fixing.” No! Of course not. That little being is perfect just the way it is, not because of what it does or says or how it acts, sleeps or dreams, it is perfect because of its presence. That presence, infused with the essence that has informed all creation, brings joy, laughter, and love to anyone who has the pleasure to witness it.
So, how do we lose touch with our presence? When do we forget our magnificence? For each of us it is different and personal. For me, despite growing up in a loving family system with a nice home in a safe and vital community, my search for self continued to strengthen each year that I matured. I knew I had a presence on the lacrosse field, I knew I had a presence at a party, I knew I had a presence in the office but I didn’t really believe my presence had anything to do with what I was searching for. As each year passed, my search for experiences that would prove my worth grew stronger.
For the last 25 years, I have studied with spiritual gurus, had out-of-body experiences, received training in different healing modalities, led and participated in vision quests, cleanses, read oodles of self-help, business and spiritual books, ate organic, gluten free, dairy-free, meditated, did yoga, climbed the corporate ladder, founded and ran a nonprofit, incubated and grew three businesses, became a wife, became a mother, experimented, practiced, traveled, went on retreats, took programs, created programs, led and lept. I have gained a repertoire of skills on my search towards becoming a healthier and happier human being and I am very grateful for all I have experienced.
This search became clearer two springs ago as I seized another wave of motivation to work on my concept of self. In March of 2015, I attended a Three Principles weekend intensive with Scott Kelly in Park City, Utah. Scott has been a dear friend and respected colleague in my life for the past fifteen years. We have co-created and delivered workshops and experiences together to help others reach their fullest potential and he has been an instrumental leader on my past boards. Over the past couple of years, I noticed a profound shift in him and I wanted to experience that shift for myself.
I came into the weekend on a mission to figure it all out (my company, my funding phase, balancing motherhood and a career, etc.). My body was tight and I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, as if it was my job to change myself and others while making this world a better place. Five of us showed up twice a day for three days to share, and participated in a conversation about thought, mind and consciousness. We had space in between our sessions to notice, rest and digest what was being shared.
During the weekend, I learned that the nature of thought is transitory, meaning it always changes and is constantly moving. I learned that our moods influence the quality of our thoughts and they can go up and down without any control. I learned that we are always living in the feeling of our thoughts. I never quite understood what this meant but my interest in quantum physics and neuroscience and the simplicity in the way Scott explained it led me to a new understanding. I learned that showing up with my presence is enough and by doing so, I attract exactly what I need at the perfect time. I relaxed and let go of the control I so desperately wanted. I released the need to fix myself and others. I gained a deeper personal experience of wellbeing and our true human nature: always present and always available.
Through a series of miraculous synchronicities on the second day of the intensive, I began to really see and feel my own presence. I could sense that I was enough simply being. I felt a deep sense of peace come over me from the inside out. The weight of the world on my shoulders released. My mom would be so proud.
Since last spring, my relationship to life, interactions, thoughts, and insights has completely shifted. I am still a light chaser, and yet, I find that I am more gentle with myself when I wake up on days where my vibration is low. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to make me feel poorly or strategize on how to get myself out of a low mood state, I stop and allow myself to simply BE there. I now know there is nothing I need to do to change my state of being. The state of mind or mood will change on its own, because everything in life changes - everything is temporary. Today, I am way more inclined to look into the direction of infinite source, trusting that my wellbeing is intact and always working to activate my best self. I am more comfortable showing up without a plan, agenda or strategy. I am more curious about the signs and signals and when I show up being present, my presence attracts, reflects and illuminates my path right before my very eyes. I am more committed to surrender.
This simple shift in understanding changed my world - manifesting experiences that could never have been planned for. It has changed the way I view everything even though nothing external has changed. It provided the perfect realizations for me to reconnect with myself during a shamanic retreat, continued Three Principle exploration, and a three week Ayurvedic cleanse that shortly followed during the summer of 2015. It led to insights and a deeper embodiment of my purpose, passion and gifts and manifested my re-connection and merging of businesses with my co-leader and partner, Jeff Shuck. It has been a year of surrender and flow. It has been the best year of my life.
Even though the external search is over, it doesn’t mean my quest for learning, human potential, and higher states of consciousness is. The direction I have been looking has changed from outside myself to inside myself and I more authentically recognize that the source of wellbeing, the divine mind or intelligence that is always on -- is what unites, connects, and fuels us as healthy happy human beings.